Q6: Do you have a vivid imagination?

In order to discuss my answer to this question, I will relate the way I experience music or other art forms. It should be noted however, that I am very susceptible to daydreaming. I can easily “space out” and become lost in my imagination. When describing my feelings, I also feel like I generally do a good job, as I can channel my imagination to provide vividly descriptive narratives. I can easily get lost in my own fantasy world and "drift" away.

Music has always had a very special place in my life. I’ve grown up playing instruments, as well as enjoying a broad range of genres and styles. It is very easy for me to relate to a piece of music and “feel” it. I can very vividly picture a beautiful piece of music flowing through my soul and washing away the dry and stony troubles that often scatter along the riverbed of my being. The music that connects with me leaves me feeling uplifted, refreshed, and light in spirit. This experience requires a vivid imagination for me because it’s my imagination that allows the music to become almost tangible to me – an audible expression of my inner emotions. Music and other forms of art generally connect with me on an emotional level.

Thoughts on gifted loneliness

When reading about “giftedness” in adults, it always invokes a twinge of pain when I read about their tendency to feel out-of-sync and lonely. This is one of the biggest reoccurring things that I struggle with. It was a rude awakening to realize that when I heard beautiful music, saw beautiful art, read beautiful words, or spoke beautiful words, and asked myself, “I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way and being impacted the same way I am.”, the answer is likely no. At least not to the same extent that I am. This reminds me of a line from a movie that stuck with me – I’m the dog that saw a rainbow. The other dogs don’t believe me and honestly can’t, because they can’t see color.

It generates incredible loneliness to think that others aren’t aware, or can’t be aware of the depth of beauty that you can so easily see in things and experiences. You can try to explain it, but maybe it’s like trying to describe color to someone who’s never experienced color. This is one of the dilemmas that causes me to ask whether “gifted” is the best word to describe people like me. If I can inspire others to be more open and observant to enjoy their experiences, then maybe it is a gift. Otherwise, what’s the meaning of a greater depth of life without people to share it with who “know” what you mean?

Another way in which loneliness affects me is in interpersonal relationships. When I read about “gifted” people being “too much” for others at times, I saw myself. Fortunately, this “too much” stuff generally impacts only those closest to me. If you don't know me very well, I'm not a very affectionate person. I've noticed that I stiffen somewhat when hugged, and I have to work to give compliments. It takes a long time for me to bring people close to myself. Once I do feel comfortable and close to someone, I'm a very affectionate person. I enjoy telling people how much they mean to me, and even though I don't have a reputation as a hugger (and I'd like to keep it that way), I find myself constantly craving affection. It is a struggle to find balance between sufficiently showing my affection and being “too much” for others. This is another area where I have to wonder if “gifted” is the best choice of words.

The last notable area of loneliness that I wish to discuss has to do with the self-perception problem. Another area where I've found myself identifying with gifted adults is where they don't feel like they're gifted – I've seen it called “imposter syndrome”. This is a constant struggle with me. I've always noticed that I'm different than most, and for the most part, I've wondered inside myself if I'm different for a purpose. At other times, I think that maybe I'm just different because I'm weird. After facing the reality that perhaps I'm gifted (see – I used the word “perhaps”, providing for the possibility that I'm not gifted), I've felt as if everything I read about the topic describes me perfectly. But still, I'm terrified that I'll come across some “gifted checklist” and realize that it doesn't describe me at all. I'm terrified that I'll soon be found to be an imposter. I'm terrified that I'll find out that I'm not different than anyone else, I'm just strange. My IQ was measured to be 133 roughly seven years ago; I'm terrified that I'll get retested and it will be much lower. I'm now terrified of being described as normal, average, and mediocre – an imposter.

Q5: Are you an avid reader?

Upon reading this question for the first time, it invoked a chuckle. Given my broad range of interests, as well as a deeper than usual interest in those select topics, it is necessary to be an avid reader. The chuckle came when I pictured the nightstand next to my bed. There are towers of books on topics from architecture, psychology, foreign policy, law, history, anthropology, business, classic poetry, biographies, textbooks, self-help, and of course the Bible. This is just my nightstand, there is a bookcase that has a more extensive selection. One of the things missing from this list is fiction. Because there isn’t a clearly expressive utility in fiction, I’ve had trouble enjoying it as I’ve gotten older.

What I call “Google paths” are something I frequently engage in. A Google path is where a particular fact or piece of intriguing information come to mind. After performing a Google search on the subject, you generally find much more information available that then leads you down many paths of greater discovery in an ever-expanding topic. Beginning my study of adult giftedness is a prime example. Before I knew it, I was reading about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and studying Dabrowski's Theories on Overexcitabilities. I’m excited to see where these studies take me!

Q4: Do you persevere with your interests?

Having a wide variety of constantly changing interests, at first glance, this question intuitively felt like a resounding “yes”, but I had to think intently before answering it specifically. The most consistent examples involve people, the world, and school.

People:
As a result of my deep emotional attachments to people, anything that helps me to understand others or myself better is a tremendous interest to me. Being an engineer, I generally have to live up to my stereotype, and laugh at psychology as a “soft” science. Truth be told however, I possess a strong interest in psychology and anything that helps me to understand people. One shortcoming of psychology is that not everyone fits neatly into a clearly defined classification or “bin”. My passion is to understand how others see the world, how they form ideas and make decisions, and what makes them the way that they are. My biggest drive to understand people is to enable deeper and more quality relationships, and to allow me to better add value to the lives of others.

The World:
It has always been important to me to understand how the world works. What causes stark cultural differences? Why does the world always seem to be unable to learn from history? What are the intricacies that cause events to transpire one way or another? I feel that in order to gain a small understanding of these questions, it’s important to understand a little bit of every country’s culture and history. Specifically, how has the country’s history formed their culture? What is the legacy that their history has left with the culture? It’s also important to me to understand the typical perspective of the culture. Seeing the world through another’s eyes is a crucial step in avoiding imperialism and gaining a broad understanding of the world. It requires much perseverance to continually be learning in these areas. A culture is dynamic and constantly changing, and the outsider’s perspective is by default biased toward their own culture. This introduces a level of uncertainty and error into one’s ability to “know” and “understand” the world as a whole. It is virtually impossible to understand the individual parts, how can we understand the whole world?

School:
It was a long road for me through college. It has always been my impression that I was lazier than I cared to let others know. I’ve began to realize that this was probably not the case. I did tend to procrastinate when it came to homework and what I viewed as “busywork”, but I never ceased hanging out in the library studying the particular subject matter. In retrospect, I just never delved deeply into detail, but rather an increasingly broad understanding of the topic. When I was taking basic engineering statics, I spent a lot of time learning to design steel and concrete beams. When I was taking thermodynamics, I spent more time studying gas turbine design. When I was struggling in calculus I, I spent a lot of time reading about fractal mathematics and chaos theory. When I was struggling in basic mechanics, I spent a lot of time studying relativity and modern physics. These are the topics that captured my interest, and they were obviously more advanced than the coursework I was neglecting.

Q3: Are you a perfectionist?

When something is important to me, I generally strive for perfection in every aspect. It is deeply upsetting to step back and look at the product of your time, energy, and/or labor and to see imperfection. Especially when I can easily see where the final product could’ve been improved. Sometimes when you look at the product of your labor, you see frankly a sloppy job.Occasionally, we forget just how important something is to us and we get bogged down in the drudgery of routine. When we realize that we’ve contributed sloppy work toward something we care a great deal about, it is deeply upsetting. A few lighthearted examples and a deeper one:

• When I use any form of social media to post content, I always read it several times before posting it. I’m looking for grammatical errors, spelling errors, and readability. It is important that I communicate the proper idea through whatever it is that I’m posting. Even after posting, I will go back and look at it later, just to be certain that it’s correct. I try to place myself in a reader’s position and ask myself if what I’m reading makes sense and is interesting. Anytime I have to write an “about me” section of some profile, I always think about what I want to communicate, then write an outline. I often wonder how many people use a written outline to post content to social media outlets. You can rest assured that I’ve already read this post several times and will read it again in the future.

• Recently, my wife and I have taken up ballroom dancing as away to spend time together, get exercise, and to expand our enjoyment of life.Dancing is an excellent activity to get into if you’re a perfectionist. There is always something there to challenge you. You can always work on your form and technique. When dancing, it is important how I’m dressed, the form of my frame, my footwork, gracefulness, timing, etc.

• My strong responsibility of perfection is not only something extended to myself. Those around me are also held to high standards of perfection. The closer my relationship with someone, the greater the expectations of perfection are. For example, it is always important for me to "be there" for those I care about, even at great personal inconvenience. The joy that showing my love is much greater than the pain I may endure. Unfortunately, I subconsciously expect this behavior in return, and few people share my intensity in this area (I don't know that I've ever even met someone else like this). More than that, I deeply value loyalty and dependability. If you choose to call me friend, you have a friend for life. I don't believe that relationships are seasonal things, but are to be cherished and maintained for life. In recent times it's harder to find loyal people; it's becoming a rare character trait. These are areas where it’s difficult to accept shortcomings in others. It is easy for me to overlook the fact that we are all human and prone to failure. Someone said once, “everyone will let you down sometimes, it’s the condition of the human race. Some people will let you down all of the time.” My perfection in regards to personal relationships has helped me to be a stronger person. Because I am so easily hurt by the shortcomings of others, I have been hurt a lot. The frequency of disappointments has helped me to become more patient and understanding of others, and to expect them to fail at times.A downside is that I am easily exhausted emotionally when I feel a breach of trust in these areas. I think it hurts so bad because I strive so hard to never fail those I love. I know that as a human being, I will fail others without even trying. This instills in me a responsibility to mitigate the risk of letting others down. It hurts to see others for whom I've exerted so much effort fail me so apparently easily and willingly.

Q2: Can you concentrate for long periods of time?

Some days  I’m so concentrated on a given task that I forget to eat. There have been many days where I’ve looked at the clock and realized that it’s late afternoon and I haven’t eaten lunch; that is, if the task has my complete focus. Several specific examples came to mind to illustrate my ability to concentrate; I’ve included a few of them.

• The first thing that came to my mind is my ability to concentrate for considerable time while driving. In particular, I love to drive long distances late at night. I seem to enter this strange level of concentration where I space out in thought, yet remain completely alert to my surroundings. Some of my most intense thinking has been done while zooming down the interstate late at night, my passengers fast asleep, and music playing.

• I have several Lego models of famous architectural landmarks. Every single one of these kits was assembled in one sitting, and not by conscious choice. Each one was started in some evening after dinner, with my intention being to start the piece, find a good stopping point, and then finish it the next evening. This has never happened. I get so focused on the project that I never find a good stopping point. “Just a little bit further”, I always tell myself. Before I know it, it’s very late at night, usually a work night, and I’m exhausted … and I have a completed Lego model.

• As a saxophone player, I am occasionally asked to play a piece during a church service. While already playing throughout the service in the background, the closer I get to my solo, I tend to experience a slight twinge of anxiety as I try to remember the key my song is in and the correct starting note. With music blaring all around me, I’ve noticed that it is very easy for me to tune out the loud music and to play softly to myself, a different song and a different key.

Q1: Are you a good problem solver?

No matter if I'm working on a car, solving an engineering problem, fixing a sink drain, or helping a person with their own problems, I always seem to employ the same methodology for solving problems. I first attempt to understand the problem in its proper context. I feel that this initial step helps me to identify the source of the problem, and subsequently the best solution. Secondly, the problem is then broken into its constituent parts. At this point, if a solution is not evident, the problem is further broken down until a proper starting point is found. What do I mean by this? - Let me share some examples ...

• I get into my truck and it won't start - what do I do? After the sinking feeling that I'm about to be spending some money AND my plans just got rearranged subsides, my brain immediately goes into "diagnosis overdrive". Is the engine turning over? Is it completely dead? Is it attempting to start only to be choked? Then, I start analyzing what is happening on a mechanical level from the turn of the key, all the way to the point of the problem. Then I can start troubleshooting. With the exception of major (transmission or timing chain) problems, I've always done most of my own mechanical work on vehicles for several reasons. One, I'm frugal. Two, why pay upwards of 100% more, when I have the mechanical know-how to fix the problem? Third, it's enjoyable to work with my hands occasionally - it's somewhat of a tradition in my family. Also, I'm frugal. When friends have car problems, I usually shake my head when they neglect to ask for my help, and choose to pay a LOT more to put it in the shop - "convenience" sure is expensive!

• At a recent family cookout, a family member told me that they were planning to erect a gazebo that had been given to them. The only problem was that no instructions were included, and no one had any idea (included the people who had given it to them) how to put it up. I thought to myself, "I'm an engineer, I should be able to figure this out." After assessing the situation, I put together a plan of attack and dived in. At first, things weren't going well and I began to doubt that I could figure it out. Just before giving up, I realized that I was about to be beaten by a Wal-mart gazebo! It was at this point were I resolved to erect the thing even if it took the rest of the weekend. Of course, after giving it my complete focus, I had it erected in just a few minutes. A couple of weeks later, I drew up (from memory) a couple of diagrams by hand to serve as assembly instructions and emailed them to my family member. It feels good to be able to solve problems that others have been unable to solve.

• Sometimes I hear people explain why they cannot do something. "I can't go to college because...", "I can't make it to an event because...", "I can't apply for that job because...". Initially, I don't typically recognize these reasons as excuses meant to justify inaction or as cause to yield to personal fears. Generally, I begin analyzing the logistics involved to "help" the person realize that they can do the thing they believed impossible after all. After I navigate this initial "dense" phase, it dawns on me that unless the person specifically asked for my help in solving their problem, they probably just want someone to listen to them. I believe that I have a reputation for being a good listener, but this trait only beams through after I pull the reins in on my natural tendency to "help" people with their problems. Occasionally, I am asked for my advice in handling certain situations; these occasions are not taken lightly, as I'm touched that anyone cares about what I think about their own life and/or problems.

These are just a few representative examples of the application of my problem-solving skills to a variety of problems encountered in the course of living life.

Gifted characteristics

The list of thirty-seven questions I mentioned previously (answers forthcoming one-by-one after necessary introspection).

1. Are you a good problem solver?
2. Can you concentrate for long periods of time?
3. Are you a perfectionist?
4. Do you persevere with your interests?
5. Are you an avid reader?
6. Do you have a vivid imagination?
7. Do you enjoy doing jigsaw puzzles?
8. Do you often connect seemingly unrelated ideas?
9. Do you enjoy paradoxes?
10. Do you set high standards for yourself?
11. Do you have a good long-term memory?
12. Are you deeply compassionate?
13. Do you have persistent curiosity?
14. Do you have an excellent sense of humor?
15. Are you a keen observer?
16. Do you have a love of mathematics?
17. Do you need periods of contemplation?
18. Do you search for meaning in your life?
19. Are you aware of things that others are not?
20. Are you fascinated by words?
21. Are you highly sensitive?
22. Do you have strong moral convictions?
23. Do you often feel out-of-sync with others?
24. Are you perceptive or insightful?
25. Do you often question rules or authority?
26. Do you have organized collections?
27. Do you thrive on challenge?
28. Do you have extraordinary abilities and deficits?
29. Do you learn new things rapidly?
30. Do you feel overwhelmed by many interests/abilities?
31. Do you have a great deal of energy?
32. Do you often take a stand against injustice?
33. Do you feel driven by your creativity?
34. Do you love ideas and ardent discussion?
35. Were you advanced developmentally in childhood?
36. Do you have unusual ideas or perceptions?
37. Are you a complex person?

"If 75% of these characteristics fit you, you are probably a gifted adult."


The above list was taken from Gifted People and Their Problems by Francis Heylighen, which was adapted from the Institute for the Study of Advanced Development / Gifted Development Center.

First rays of light

A little bit different ...

Even as a child, I’ve always felt a little different from everyone else. From the first attempts at writing a book (which consisted of six small pages of scrawling text), to “fabricating” little musical harps with stiff cardboard frames and rubber band strings (the harps were then distributed to my friends who didn’t appreciate the thoughtfulness and time spent on them as much as I had hoped – much to my despair), to reading the stock quotes page of the newspaper (having no idea what any of it really meant, just that a price with '+' next to it was good, while a price with a '--' next to it was bad). Yeah, looking back on my childhood, I was not a “typical” kiddo.

 

Kiddo-me grew up very curious. I always asked myself questions like, “why do I think this?”, “Why is that person like that?”, “Why does this thing work the way it does?” Most of these little attempts at discovery were kept to myself because no one else seemed to ask these same questions – I already felt disjointed enough. Kiddo-me was also very emotionally sensitive. I deeply loved all of my friends and the adults in my life, but spent much of my life feeling that the love I had for others was never reciprocated fully. I was also overwhelmed with interests. From growing cactus, to playing the piano, to taking karate, to taking saxophone lessons, Kiddo-me always had too much to do and not enough time. At one point, I remember reading Ben Carson’s book Gifted Hands and deciding that I wanted to be a pediatric brain surgeon. With so much I wanted to do, it dawned on me that I would have more time for daydreaming and planning if I didn’t spend so much time on pesky school-work. 

 

Fast-forward to present day. In many ways, I’m still the same person – only now, everything is magnified. I want to be an engineer in various fields, a doctor, an architect, a musician, a dancer, a construction worker, a multilingual world traveler, a stock-broker, a teacher, a college professor, an airline pilot, … I could go on. Common sense tells me that not all of these goals will, or can, be realized in one lifetime. I still feel despair that others around me don’t feel the same curiosity about the world that I do. I still feel disconnected, lonely, and unloved.

"Maybe you're a little gifted..."

Recently, a dear friend mentioned that she thought I may be a little gifted. Initially, I wasn’t sure what this meant – I admit that I am a fairly talented person, but my mantra has been a quote from Albert Einstein, “I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious.” It seems that Einstein felt that he was more misunderstood than gifted – the same way I feel.  I’ve never felt any more gifted than anyone else, just that I was more willing to apply myself than most.

After having my insatiable curiosity piqued by the suggestion that perhaps I was a little gifted, I did what any normal person would do (I’m joking), I combed the internet to gain a complete and thorough understanding of what “gifted” meant. What are the characteristics? What are the strengths? What are the weaknesses? How do gifted adults function? The answers to these questions left me ecstatic, happy, depressed, hopeless, excited, and overwhelmed … 

 

After browsing several websites and reading a couple of scientific papers, I felt as if I were looking in a mirror. The image reflected back at me was that of my deepest self. A smile came across my face when I read about the cognitive traits of gifted people; tears came when I read about their emotional intensity; and my “Eureka” moment came when I read about their need to be continually engaged in meaningful activities. In one of the papers I read, there was a list of thirty-seven questions to ask one’s self. If 75% of the questions fit you, then the paper stated that you are probably a gifted adult. How many questions of the thirty-seven did I identify with? Thirty-six – and I didn’t understand the one I left unmarked.

Even now, I certainly don’t feel gifted and I’m very uncomfortable implying that I am. I do feel as if I understand myself much better now than I did. However, I am still filled with mixed emotions; I’m a little more proud of who I am, but I also feel devastated that I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life. Am I always going to feel disconnected from everyone? Am I always going to feel as if the friends/family that I love deeply only marginally care about me? Will I always feel as though I have to choose between smothering those I care about and keeping my emotions to myself? Will I always be easily bored with my career if I’m not doing “cutting-edge” stuff? Where's the value in being this way?

Now what?

My new mission in life is to leverage my newly acknowledged strengths into productive avenues. It is an addendum to my existing mission, which is to add value to the lives of people around me, to build meaningful relationships, and to make others smile, laugh, or feel good. As for the weaknesses, I don’t know whether to mitigate, suppress, or express them. This entire process of self-discovery has proven to be mentally and emotionally draining to me … and there are miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.