A Damon & Pythias friendship

Below are some things I've recently come to understand about myself. I feel that I have been hard on my friends in expecting too much from them. I've always been unsatisfied with most of my friendships, always feeling as if I am more emotionally vested than my friends. I've read the following paragraph before, but the mention of the "Damon and Pythias" variety of friendship never stood out to me. That is, until I read it. It is also included below, along with citations for both. Unable to find this type of friendship has left me lonely, frustrated, unfulfilled, and creating unnecessary tension between the friends I've been trying to force into a Damon & Pythias relationship. I deeply crave deep connections with people (very few people), but do not have any imaginary friends or stuffed animals ... that's certainly an idea though.

First, the paragraph explaining certain emotional overexcitabilities.

Emotional

This includes being "happier when happy, sadder when sad, angrier when angry," etc. Intensity of emotion. But also a very broad range of emotions. Also a need for deep connections with other people or animals. Unable to find close and deep friends (Damon and Pythias variety) they invent imaginary friends, make do with pets or stuffed animals, etc. Empathy and compassion. A child who needs a committed relationship will think herself "betrayed" by a child who plays with one child today and another tomorrow and refers to both as "friends." This is also the OE that makes the kids susceptible to depression.

Paragraph quoted from Stephanie Tolan, "Dabrowski's Over-excitabilities: A Layman's Explanation."

http://www.stephanietolan.com/dabrowskis.htm

Damon and Pythias

This story takes place in Syracuse in the fourth century b.c. Even today, the tale of Damon and Pythias sets the standard for the deepest friendships, which give every reason for confidence and leave no room for doubts.

Damon and Pythias had been the best of friends since childhood. Each trusted the other like a brother, and each knew in his heart there was nothing he would not do for his friend. Eventually the time came for them to prove the depth of their devotion. It happened this way.

Dionysius, the ruler of Syracuse, grew annoyed when he heard about the speeches Pythias was giving. The young scholar was telling the public that no man should have unlimited power over another, and that absolute tyrants were unjust kings. In a fit of rage, Dionysius summoned Pythias and his friend.

"Who do you think you are, spreading unrest among the people?" he demanded.

"I spread only the truth," Pythias answered. "There can be nothing wrong with that."

"And does your truth hold that kings have too much power and that their laws are not good for their subjects?"

"If a king has seized power without permission of the people, then that is what I say."

"This kind of talk is treason," Dionysius shouted. "You are conspiring to overthrow me. Retract what you've said, or face the consequences."

"I will retract nothing," Pythias answered.

"Then you will die. Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes. Let me go home just long enough to say goodbye to my wife and children and to put my household in order."

"I see you not only think I'm unjust, you think I'm stupid as well," Dionysius laughed scornfully. "If I let you leave Syracuse, I have no doubt I will never see you again."

"I will give you a pledge," Pythias said.

"What kind of pledge could you possibly give to make me think you will ever return?" Dionysius demanded.

At that instant Damon, who had stood quietly beside his friend, stepped forward.

"I will be his pledge," he said. "Keep me here in Syracuse, as your prisoner, until Pythias returns. Our friendship is well known to you. You can be sure Pythias will return so long as you hold me."

Dionysius studied the two friends silently. "Very well," he said at last. "But if you are willing to take the place of your friend, you must be willing to accept his sentence if he breaks his promise. If Pythias does not return to Syracuse, you will die in his place."

"He will keep his word," Damon replied. "I have no doubt of that."

Pythias was allowed to go free for a time, and Damon was thrown into prison. After several days, when Pythias failed to reappear, Dionysius's curiosity got the better of him, and he went to the prison to see if Damon was yet sorry he had made such a bargain.

"Your time is almost up," the ruler of Syracuse sneered. "It will be useless to beg for mercy. You were a fool to rely on your friend's promise. Did you really think he would sacrifice his life for you or anyone else?"

"He has merely been delayed," Damon answered steadily. "The winds have kept him from sailing, or perhaps he has met with some accident on the road. But if it is humanly possible, he will be here on time. I am as confident of his virtue as I am of my own existence."

Dionysius was startled at the prisoner's confidence. "We shall soon see," he said, and left Damon in his cell.

The fatal day arrived. Damon was brought from prison and led before the executioner. Dionysius greeted him with a smug smile.

"It seems your friend has not turned up," he laughed. "What do you think of him now?"

"He is my friend," Damon answered. "I trust him." 

Even as he spoke, the doors flew open and Pythias staggered into the room. He was pale and bruised and half speechless from exhaustion. He rushed to the arms of his friend.

"You are safe, praise the gods," he gasped. "It seemed as though the fates were conspiring against us. My ship was wrecked in a storm, and then bandits attacked me on the road. But I refused to give up hope, and at last I've made it back in time. I am ready to receive my sentence of death."

Dionysius heard his words with astonishment. His eyes and his heart were opened. It was impossible for him to resist the power of such constancy.

"The sentence is revoked," he declared. "I never believed that such faith and loyalty could exist in friendship. You have shown me how wrong I was, and it is only right that you be rewarded with your freedom. But I ask that in return you do me one great service."

"What service do you mean?" the friends asked.

"Teach me how to be part of so worthy a friendship."

Story quoted from William Bennett, "The Book of Virtues." 

Friends Corner

I walked along a pleasant stream

And admired the unearthed stone bed

Expressed by the passing of time

And the gentle fingers of the waters

Majestic ridges and crevices declared themselves

The cool waters provided life to all around –

Plants and animals, and lent comfort to the air

Peaceful patterns soothing to all

Who cared to visit its path

As I came to a fork in the stream

I knew not which path to take

So I sat in musing on a large stone

And watched the two distinct streams

Each with their own paths and origins

Each with their own strength and beauty

They joined together at just the right time

Together, being more able and beautiful

Than just the two alone

As I sat on that stone lost in thought

I called that place Friends Corner

The place where two forces joined together –

A Family, the deepest of Friends

I thrust my fingers into their Waters – their Life

And ran my hand along its crevices

Carved out by their own will and energy

Granted them by God Almighty

Etched by tears of sorrow, joy, and laughter

And it’s a beautiful path together – a Journey

Until the intertwined waters release

Emptying together into the river – a greater Energy

And the spirit returns unto God who gave it.

(C) 2012

                                                                          (C) 2012

Nature is with me

I am asked why I like to be alone
I smile inwardly -- knowing
That I'm never alone
Nature is with me.

The brook speaks with me
As we walk alongside one another
The breeze embraces me
Without restraint, without hesitation
The bright flowers cast to me
Their warm smile
The rocks are there for me
Lending their support and protection

Don't speak a word -- just listen

Come with me.


(C) 2012

                                                                          (C) 2012
.

I sat one evening with a pen & paper

I’ve often thought that I’ve just wanted people to feel sorry for me. I don’t believe that anymore – I just want to know that someone cares, and that someone is willing and wanting to be there for me. Someone outside of myself. Someone who has no dog in the fight. They’re only there because they love me.

I feel as if there’s a cavity in me. Things look bad on the surface, but if you understood what was beneath, it’s much worse. I feel as if I have nothing to offer the world – just myself. I sit lost in thought often. Wanting someone to come to me and do what? – I don’t know. Talk? Just sit with me? Place a hand on my hand? Tell me they care? I just don’t know. Part of me fears that if all of these things happened, things would be better, but only for a fleeting moment. Part of me fears that I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Part of me fears … perhaps therein lies the problem. What am I really looking for? Would I know if I saw it? Would I ignore it and walk on by – too busy looking for what was already there.

Why do I fear?
Why do I fear?
Why do I cry?
Why do I feel alone even when surrounded by friends?
Why do I feel fully engaged in life, but that it’s veering off course? – shortchanged.
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
How do I relax into the blessings in my life?

I sit at a large pond alone, but by my own choosing. I’ve come to reflect and to find inspiration; to articulate my dreams and desires; to consider and plot my course. All I can see and feel is this hole in me. It eclipses my thoughts – it blocks the sunlight from illuminating my mind. The world has made me this way. Nobody in the world wants to be as they are, but they’ve made themselves as they are.

I often feel as if I can’t hear God. Not because He’s not speaking, and not because I don’t believe He’ll speak to me, but because I’m just too tired to seek. It’s overwhelming. I look for an answer and don’t feel as if I find one. I turn around to face an angel, and see empty earth. God is there, the angel is there, many people are there – it’s just that I can’t feel them. I’m flailing – I’m a fish out of water. A bird with clipped wings. This is how I feel.

It’s nice to receive affirmation through a touch, a hug, or an “I love you”. But afterward, the sound of the words die out; the sensation of the touch wears away, replaced by the sensation of cold things; the spirits that embraced as the bodies did lingers for a while, but then returns to their respective owners. What is left?

As I write this, why do I hold the paper tight as if cruel hands are going to rip it from me – like the wind will blow it away and into the hands of a world that doesn’t care.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

For the past several months, my motto has been the quote made popular by Steve Jobs, “Stay hungry. Stay foolish.” The first time I read this quote it resonated with me, and I knew that it fit me well. Recently, I shared it with a friend who told me that they didn't know what it meant. That got me thinking about it. I knew that it spoke to me, but why?

Stay hungry.

It has been my observation that many people, if not most, get to the point in their life where they “grow up” and realize that the responsibilities of adulthood require that they become “practical” and “realistic” about life. They subsequently pack their dreams in a proverbial shoebox and hide them away while they get busy being an adult. Meanwhile, their dreams die from want of attention; the only thing left of them are fond memories coupled with a twinge of disappointment.

In the book Education through Recreation by Lawrence Pearsall Jacks, there is a passage that reads, “A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. To himself he always seems to be doing both.”

At some point I the past year, I came across some advice that hit me so hard that it stuck with me in a powerful way. Sit down with someone and talk about the things that you enjoy doing in life; when you get to the thing that makes you cry, that's what you should be doing. Are you so passionate about what you do that it invokes such an intense emotional reaction in you?

What if you have a job with great pay, great benefits, and great stability, but it saps your creative energy and leaves you with a sense of meaninglessness? The “adult” thing to do seems to be to suck it up, be grateful for the job, and be responsible; after all, nobody like their job anyway. Quit whining. Work is the result of Adam's curse in the garden. We all till the ground of our lives and work by the sweat of our brow – that's what makes it a curse. I adamantly disagree with this thinking! If one wishes to bring up Scripture, Ecclesiastes 5:18 says, "Here is what I have seen: It is good and fitting for one to eat and drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labor in which he toils under the sun all the days of his life which God gives him; for it is his heritage." This leads me to believe that God cares deeply about the level of satisfaction in my life.

No matter how “secure” a job seems, security in any kind of job is an illusion. I cannot allow myself to trade my dreams for an illusion of security. I cannot surrender my passions for money. Maybe you're not doing what you're passionate about now, but don't give up on it! This sums up the meaning of “stay hungry”. Keep the fire in your spirit raging. Don't surrender your dreams in the name of being an adult. Stay hungry – for life, for happiness, for your dreams.

Stay foolish.

As far as I'm concerned, staying foolish doesn't mean acting without wisdom and prudence; it means being foolish enough to believe that your dreams are obtainable. It means doing the thing you would do if you knew that you couldn't fail. It means being ready and willing to act, regardless of fear. Step into the unknown – like what many would consider foolish. Don't be afraid of marching to the beat of a different drummer. Don't be afraid to leave the comfort and security of an illusion in order to realize your dreams. Be foolish enough to believe that you can make it happen; and then make it happen.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Q16: Do you have a love of mathematics?

As an engineer, I’ve taken an ample amount of college-level mathematics. However, my appreciation of mathematics extends much more to the beauty and art in math, rather than the utilitarian application. For example, to find the volume of a sphere, it’s more about the journey than the result. I much more enjoy the beauty and elegance of a triple-integral derivation as opposed to a simple, more direct algebraic approach. I appreciate the beauty in math! There's something awesome about an elegantly written mathematical expression!

It’s very enjoyable for me to read books on math and its development. I own books on the history of the number zero, the history of pi, the biographies of great mathematicians, and other books exploring the beauty inside the world of math. In addition, I do occasionally dust off my old math textbooks and read select sections and/or work through some example problems … you know, just for fun and to stay sharp.

Q15: Are you a keen observer?

It is always startling to first see something that’s been around me for an extended period of time and I’ve never noticed it. I feel like somewhat of a failure if I neglect to notice things. I’m the kind of guy that will notice the color of your socks, cobwebs in the corner of your room, water spots on your glassware, and paint marks on your ceiling (inside joke).

Observing human behavior has always been somewhat of an offshoot of my curious nature. I watch people, from the way they walk and talk, to the way they make decisions and the results of those decisions. As I psychoanalyze everyone, I also try to observe my own bias involved in interpreting what I see. When I wish to express and idea or feeling, there’s the idea I wish to express, the way in which I express it, and the way it is received. All three of these are different and the meaning is modified by each person’s own bias and way of interpretation.  

Q14: Do you have an excellent sense of humor?

People tell me that I have a great sense of humor. My humor is often dry and can sometimes be borderline inappropriate. I enjoy being the guy who says what everyone else is thinking but is too polite to say. For me, making someone laugh provides me with the greatest sense of satisfaction. Laughter does good like a medicine. Does that make me a doctor – in a way, yes!

To illustrate the satisfaction I find through humor, I’ll share a story of a funeral. I handle grief in an awkward way. It is hard for me to know what to say when someone suffers a loss. As a result, I either don’t say anything, or make jokes in an attempt to lighten their mood. A dear friend of mine had lost an uncle that she was close to and was taking it pretty hard. At the viewing, I noticed that the mortician had done an atrocious job of applying makeup to the deceased. After making fun of the way he looked and cracking jokes about the context of the situation, my friend was rolling with laughter. She thanked me later for making her laugh. This is one event where I found humor to be highly gratifying.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream cone? Because he got hit by a bus. Welcome to the anti-joke. A joke that takes an unexpected, usually twisted turn. I love them.

I love to make others laugh!

Q13: Do you have persistent curiosity?

If curiosity killed the cat, it’s death by a thousand curious cuts for me. I have an insatiable appetite to understand things. If I hear a word that I like, but don’t understand the definition or proper usage, I Google it. As an example, when I wrote the first sentence above, I wondered if there was a medical term for “death by a thousand cuts” and so I searched the internet for it. There is not. The act of searching did in fact lead me to read about some other topics related only by keywords.

This curiosity drives me to read, to be observant, and to experience things. I want to know about everything. I want to understand the world, people, and myself. I want to know how things work on a macroscopic and microscopic level. I want to ride a camel through the Sahara desert, drink vodka (which I hate) in Russia, and dance Tango in Argentina. Before I do, I want to understand the history, climate, and biology of the desert. I want to understand the history of Vodka in Russia, how it’s made, and the local customs. I want to be an expert Tango dancer and understand the origins of the dance and the Argentine culture.

When first hearing that perhaps I was gifted, I spent hours on the internet and at the bookstore trying to read anything I could get my hands on about it. I want to understand it. I’m very curious about people. I want to understand their thinking, their personality, and what makes them who they are. It is enjoyable to watch people and observe how they behave. I have a very strong interest in psychology and psychoanalysis. I want to know …

Q12: Are you deeply compassionate?

As a child, I remember reading a comic book illustrating the true story of Smokey the Bear. The same Smokey who would become the iconic forest fire prevention mascot. Reading the story of how a this bear cub was rescued and his burnt paws bandaged moved me in a deep way.

Webster’s Dictionary defines compassion as “Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.” This is an accurate descriptor of my personality. I believe that I’ve always had an ability to “feel” the pain and misfortune of others – friend or stranger. If I observe a way to relieve the discomfort of another person, I can usually inconvenience myself to a great degree to help them. Passing homeless people on the street, my imagination generally places me in their shoes. I imagine the experiences that have brought me to this point, the hopelessness I feel, and the attitude toward life that I would have.

As a human being prone to failure without even trying to fail, I’m deeply troubled when I think of situations in which I lacked compassion toward others. I want to make the lives of the people around me more fulfilling and more meaningful – I must show greater compassion to both the stranger and my friend.

Q11: Do you have a good long-term memory?

My ability to remember events and details long-term is most readily apparent in the areas of the logical and the sensual. If something is intuitive and I can see how it fits into the big picture, I can easily remember it. If an event makes an impact on me in any way, I can remember sensual things, e.g. what I see, hear, feel, or even smell. I believe my memory to be average when it pertains to things that I feel are unimportant or uninspiring.

When I find myself in a meaningful moment, I automatically take in my total environment. I remember small details of where I am, the setting, smells, impressions, feelings, and even to some extent what people are wearing. It’s almost as if I take a mental snapshot of the moment for posterity. I especially remember words spoken. I recently reestablished contact with some childhood friends. It shocked me to hear that they didn’t remember ever having met me, although I remembered specific events where we spent time together.

From childhood to college, I never saw the importance in keeping a day planner. I’ve unsuccessfully tried on multiple occasions to organize my time by writing tasks, dates, and times down. This has always seemed like a waste of time for me because I never refer to it, because for the most part, I remember important information.

Q10: Do you set high standards for yourself?

I am my own worst critic and I tend to be very hard on myself. I’m absolutely terrified of being mediocre in any aspect of my life. In fact, I've prayed a very sincere prayer before that if I’m stuck on a path that will lead me to a mediocre existence, God please be merciful and let me die – I can’t accept being mediocre. I’m very fervent in my desire to positively impact the lives of those around me. It is important that I leave the people around me enriched, happier, and better than they were before they knew me. I feel an intense desire to add value to their lives and to leave my fingerprints on their hearts and minds. A short discussion of my personal high standards for relationships, career, and general knowledge “knowing” is to follow.

Relationships:

One of the most important character traits to me is loyalty. I constantly seek to demonstrate loyalty in my relationships. Sometimes I fail, at least by my own tough standards, but I wish to be known and remembered as “fiercely loyal”. At the time of this writing, I’m reading a wonderful book by Erich Fromm called “The Art of Loving”. This book discusses the basic need for completeness in humanity and the turmoil found in our default state of separateness. The book discusses the fact that love is a decision and something that requires hard work and dedication. To quote, “Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it’s a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.” “The essence of love is to ‘labor’ for something and to ‘make something grow’. True love requires care, responsibility, and knowledge.” Care means to be concerned about the welfare of the loved one. Responsibility does not take the modern definition of “duty”, but rather a “responsiveness” to the person’s needs. This type of responsibility can be overwhelming or dominant if it weren’t for respect. This respect accepts the person as they are and not as I would like them to be. It sees the beauty in things the way they are and demonstrates patience. Without respect, it is impossible to adequately glean knowledge. This [knowledge] is the continuing unfolding of the person that helps you to understand them and appreciate them. Without these things; care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge, true love cannot blossom. This sums up the high standard that I hold myself to and epitomizes my relationships with those I care about.

Also related to my propensity to set high standards for myself in regards to relationships is in social media. For some reason, people seem to engage regularly with me using social media platforms. I assume that it’s because I always try to post content that is funny, educational, or interesting in some manner. I feel a very strong sense of responsibility to reciprocate that interaction. If it’s by responding to a comment or exchanging “Likes”, I feel that this drives further engagement by creating a comfortable environment in which to interact.

Career:

Sometimes, if I get bored with the repetition and drudgery of my job, I find myself turning in sloppy work. Most of the time, the work is adequate to get the job completed with no problems, but this is a constant struggle with me. It is very unfulfilling to do sloppy work, even if no one else notices it – I do. I’m always looking for new challenges in my career, and something new to learn that enhances knowledge of my art.

General Knowledge:

If someone asks me a question about a general subject, it is important to me to at least be able to conduct an intelligent conversation on the topic. If I’m unable to follow or contribute to the discussion, at my earliest convenience, I nearly always do extensive research to inform myself. This drive helps force me to try to know a little bit about everything. While I’m certainly not a “know-it-all”, I at least like to be able to think about it and to offer an informed opinion.

Q9: Do you enjoy paradoxes?

I've always been intrigued by the apparent paradox of the dual nature of light. Behaving as both a particle and a wave, the behavior of light is a very interesting phenomenon. I remember first reading about Einstein and his Theory of Relativity as a young boy and being fascinated by it. Although I didn't completely understand it (as if I do now), there was still something about it that was completely mesmerizing.

Another example of a paradox that has made an impression on me pertains to the fifth dimension. The essence of the fifth dimension is that it smaller than an atom, yet all of the universe fits inside of it.

A paradox that exists as a play on words, or contains faulty logic, is annoying and a waste of energy for me. There are too many beautiful paradoxes to spark our imaginations and open unexplored worlds to our minds.

Q8: Do you often connect seemingly unrelated ideas?

No specific examples come to mind, but this sounds like something that describes me – it just feels right. I thought that if I just began to write about it, perhaps it would come through in this writing. Maybe this gift is something that comes through natural discourse and can’t be forced. Nothing yet … maybe I need to think about it.

I’ve lost interest. It does describe me. Moving on now … I leave you with a poem I found.

I’ve begun my voyage in a paper boat without a bottom;

I will fly to the moon in it.

I have been folded along a crease in time,

a weakness in the sheet of life.

Now, you’ve settled on the opposite side of the paper to me;

I can see your traces in the ink that soaks through the fibre,

the pulped vegetation.

When we become waterlogged, and the cage disintegrates,

we will intermingle.

When this paper aeroplane leaves the cliff edge,

and carves parallel vapour trails in the dark,

we will come together.

I am the aerial.

In my passing,

I will send news to each and every star.

Q7: Do you enjoy doing jigsaw puzzles?

This question was answered by me with a “yes”, but it’s much worse than that. I enjoy 3-D jigsaw puzzles. My interest in architecture and building construction has been the gateway for me to amass an extensive collection of famous landmark skyscrapers, bridges, and other notable structures. When I first open the box, I separate the pieces by similarity, creating somewhat of a construction stockyard/staging area. I’ve found that these puzzles can receive intense concentration, as I can work on them until my eyes are almost literally unable to stay open and the pieces all begin to look the same.

Q6: Do you have a vivid imagination?

In order to discuss my answer to this question, I will relate the way I experience music or other art forms. It should be noted however, that I am very susceptible to daydreaming. I can easily “space out” and become lost in my imagination. When describing my feelings, I also feel like I generally do a good job, as I can channel my imagination to provide vividly descriptive narratives. I can easily get lost in my own fantasy world and "drift" away.

Music has always had a very special place in my life. I’ve grown up playing instruments, as well as enjoying a broad range of genres and styles. It is very easy for me to relate to a piece of music and “feel” it. I can very vividly picture a beautiful piece of music flowing through my soul and washing away the dry and stony troubles that often scatter along the riverbed of my being. The music that connects with me leaves me feeling uplifted, refreshed, and light in spirit. This experience requires a vivid imagination for me because it’s my imagination that allows the music to become almost tangible to me – an audible expression of my inner emotions. Music and other forms of art generally connect with me on an emotional level.

Thoughts on gifted loneliness

When reading about “giftedness” in adults, it always invokes a twinge of pain when I read about their tendency to feel out-of-sync and lonely. This is one of the biggest reoccurring things that I struggle with. It was a rude awakening to realize that when I heard beautiful music, saw beautiful art, read beautiful words, or spoke beautiful words, and asked myself, “I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way and being impacted the same way I am.”, the answer is likely no. At least not to the same extent that I am. This reminds me of a line from a movie that stuck with me – I’m the dog that saw a rainbow. The other dogs don’t believe me and honestly can’t, because they can’t see color.

It generates incredible loneliness to think that others aren’t aware, or can’t be aware of the depth of beauty that you can so easily see in things and experiences. You can try to explain it, but maybe it’s like trying to describe color to someone who’s never experienced color. This is one of the dilemmas that causes me to ask whether “gifted” is the best word to describe people like me. If I can inspire others to be more open and observant to enjoy their experiences, then maybe it is a gift. Otherwise, what’s the meaning of a greater depth of life without people to share it with who “know” what you mean?

Another way in which loneliness affects me is in interpersonal relationships. When I read about “gifted” people being “too much” for others at times, I saw myself. Fortunately, this “too much” stuff generally impacts only those closest to me. If you don't know me very well, I'm not a very affectionate person. I've noticed that I stiffen somewhat when hugged, and I have to work to give compliments. It takes a long time for me to bring people close to myself. Once I do feel comfortable and close to someone, I'm a very affectionate person. I enjoy telling people how much they mean to me, and even though I don't have a reputation as a hugger (and I'd like to keep it that way), I find myself constantly craving affection. It is a struggle to find balance between sufficiently showing my affection and being “too much” for others. This is another area where I have to wonder if “gifted” is the best choice of words.

The last notable area of loneliness that I wish to discuss has to do with the self-perception problem. Another area where I've found myself identifying with gifted adults is where they don't feel like they're gifted – I've seen it called “imposter syndrome”. This is a constant struggle with me. I've always noticed that I'm different than most, and for the most part, I've wondered inside myself if I'm different for a purpose. At other times, I think that maybe I'm just different because I'm weird. After facing the reality that perhaps I'm gifted (see – I used the word “perhaps”, providing for the possibility that I'm not gifted), I've felt as if everything I read about the topic describes me perfectly. But still, I'm terrified that I'll come across some “gifted checklist” and realize that it doesn't describe me at all. I'm terrified that I'll soon be found to be an imposter. I'm terrified that I'll find out that I'm not different than anyone else, I'm just strange. My IQ was measured to be 133 roughly seven years ago; I'm terrified that I'll get retested and it will be much lower. I'm now terrified of being described as normal, average, and mediocre – an imposter.

Q5: Are you an avid reader?

Upon reading this question for the first time, it invoked a chuckle. Given my broad range of interests, as well as a deeper than usual interest in those select topics, it is necessary to be an avid reader. The chuckle came when I pictured the nightstand next to my bed. There are towers of books on topics from architecture, psychology, foreign policy, law, history, anthropology, business, classic poetry, biographies, textbooks, self-help, and of course the Bible. This is just my nightstand, there is a bookcase that has a more extensive selection. One of the things missing from this list is fiction. Because there isn’t a clearly expressive utility in fiction, I’ve had trouble enjoying it as I’ve gotten older.

What I call “Google paths” are something I frequently engage in. A Google path is where a particular fact or piece of intriguing information come to mind. After performing a Google search on the subject, you generally find much more information available that then leads you down many paths of greater discovery in an ever-expanding topic. Beginning my study of adult giftedness is a prime example. Before I knew it, I was reading about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and studying Dabrowski's Theories on Overexcitabilities. I’m excited to see where these studies take me!

Q4: Do you persevere with your interests?

Having a wide variety of constantly changing interests, at first glance, this question intuitively felt like a resounding “yes”, but I had to think intently before answering it specifically. The most consistent examples involve people, the world, and school.

People:
As a result of my deep emotional attachments to people, anything that helps me to understand others or myself better is a tremendous interest to me. Being an engineer, I generally have to live up to my stereotype, and laugh at psychology as a “soft” science. Truth be told however, I possess a strong interest in psychology and anything that helps me to understand people. One shortcoming of psychology is that not everyone fits neatly into a clearly defined classification or “bin”. My passion is to understand how others see the world, how they form ideas and make decisions, and what makes them the way that they are. My biggest drive to understand people is to enable deeper and more quality relationships, and to allow me to better add value to the lives of others.

The World:
It has always been important to me to understand how the world works. What causes stark cultural differences? Why does the world always seem to be unable to learn from history? What are the intricacies that cause events to transpire one way or another? I feel that in order to gain a small understanding of these questions, it’s important to understand a little bit of every country’s culture and history. Specifically, how has the country’s history formed their culture? What is the legacy that their history has left with the culture? It’s also important to me to understand the typical perspective of the culture. Seeing the world through another’s eyes is a crucial step in avoiding imperialism and gaining a broad understanding of the world. It requires much perseverance to continually be learning in these areas. A culture is dynamic and constantly changing, and the outsider’s perspective is by default biased toward their own culture. This introduces a level of uncertainty and error into one’s ability to “know” and “understand” the world as a whole. It is virtually impossible to understand the individual parts, how can we understand the whole world?

School:
It was a long road for me through college. It has always been my impression that I was lazier than I cared to let others know. I’ve began to realize that this was probably not the case. I did tend to procrastinate when it came to homework and what I viewed as “busywork”, but I never ceased hanging out in the library studying the particular subject matter. In retrospect, I just never delved deeply into detail, but rather an increasingly broad understanding of the topic. When I was taking basic engineering statics, I spent a lot of time learning to design steel and concrete beams. When I was taking thermodynamics, I spent more time studying gas turbine design. When I was struggling in calculus I, I spent a lot of time reading about fractal mathematics and chaos theory. When I was struggling in basic mechanics, I spent a lot of time studying relativity and modern physics. These are the topics that captured my interest, and they were obviously more advanced than the coursework I was neglecting.

Q3: Are you a perfectionist?

When something is important to me, I generally strive for perfection in every aspect. It is deeply upsetting to step back and look at the product of your time, energy, and/or labor and to see imperfection. Especially when I can easily see where the final product could’ve been improved. Sometimes when you look at the product of your labor, you see frankly a sloppy job.Occasionally, we forget just how important something is to us and we get bogged down in the drudgery of routine. When we realize that we’ve contributed sloppy work toward something we care a great deal about, it is deeply upsetting. A few lighthearted examples and a deeper one:

• When I use any form of social media to post content, I always read it several times before posting it. I’m looking for grammatical errors, spelling errors, and readability. It is important that I communicate the proper idea through whatever it is that I’m posting. Even after posting, I will go back and look at it later, just to be certain that it’s correct. I try to place myself in a reader’s position and ask myself if what I’m reading makes sense and is interesting. Anytime I have to write an “about me” section of some profile, I always think about what I want to communicate, then write an outline. I often wonder how many people use a written outline to post content to social media outlets. You can rest assured that I’ve already read this post several times and will read it again in the future.

• Recently, my wife and I have taken up ballroom dancing as away to spend time together, get exercise, and to expand our enjoyment of life.Dancing is an excellent activity to get into if you’re a perfectionist. There is always something there to challenge you. You can always work on your form and technique. When dancing, it is important how I’m dressed, the form of my frame, my footwork, gracefulness, timing, etc.

• My strong responsibility of perfection is not only something extended to myself. Those around me are also held to high standards of perfection. The closer my relationship with someone, the greater the expectations of perfection are. For example, it is always important for me to "be there" for those I care about, even at great personal inconvenience. The joy that showing my love is much greater than the pain I may endure. Unfortunately, I subconsciously expect this behavior in return, and few people share my intensity in this area (I don't know that I've ever even met someone else like this). More than that, I deeply value loyalty and dependability. If you choose to call me friend, you have a friend for life. I don't believe that relationships are seasonal things, but are to be cherished and maintained for life. In recent times it's harder to find loyal people; it's becoming a rare character trait. These are areas where it’s difficult to accept shortcomings in others. It is easy for me to overlook the fact that we are all human and prone to failure. Someone said once, “everyone will let you down sometimes, it’s the condition of the human race. Some people will let you down all of the time.” My perfection in regards to personal relationships has helped me to be a stronger person. Because I am so easily hurt by the shortcomings of others, I have been hurt a lot. The frequency of disappointments has helped me to become more patient and understanding of others, and to expect them to fail at times.A downside is that I am easily exhausted emotionally when I feel a breach of trust in these areas. I think it hurts so bad because I strive so hard to never fail those I love. I know that as a human being, I will fail others without even trying. This instills in me a responsibility to mitigate the risk of letting others down. It hurts to see others for whom I've exerted so much effort fail me so apparently easily and willingly.

Q2: Can you concentrate for long periods of time?

Some days  I’m so concentrated on a given task that I forget to eat. There have been many days where I’ve looked at the clock and realized that it’s late afternoon and I haven’t eaten lunch; that is, if the task has my complete focus. Several specific examples came to mind to illustrate my ability to concentrate; I’ve included a few of them.

• The first thing that came to my mind is my ability to concentrate for considerable time while driving. In particular, I love to drive long distances late at night. I seem to enter this strange level of concentration where I space out in thought, yet remain completely alert to my surroundings. Some of my most intense thinking has been done while zooming down the interstate late at night, my passengers fast asleep, and music playing.

• I have several Lego models of famous architectural landmarks. Every single one of these kits was assembled in one sitting, and not by conscious choice. Each one was started in some evening after dinner, with my intention being to start the piece, find a good stopping point, and then finish it the next evening. This has never happened. I get so focused on the project that I never find a good stopping point. “Just a little bit further”, I always tell myself. Before I know it, it’s very late at night, usually a work night, and I’m exhausted … and I have a completed Lego model.

• As a saxophone player, I am occasionally asked to play a piece during a church service. While already playing throughout the service in the background, the closer I get to my solo, I tend to experience a slight twinge of anxiety as I try to remember the key my song is in and the correct starting note. With music blaring all around me, I’ve noticed that it is very easy for me to tune out the loud music and to play softly to myself, a different song and a different key.

Q1: Are you a good problem solver?

No matter if I'm working on a car, solving an engineering problem, fixing a sink drain, or helping a person with their own problems, I always seem to employ the same methodology for solving problems. I first attempt to understand the problem in its proper context. I feel that this initial step helps me to identify the source of the problem, and subsequently the best solution. Secondly, the problem is then broken into its constituent parts. At this point, if a solution is not evident, the problem is further broken down until a proper starting point is found. What do I mean by this? - Let me share some examples ...

• I get into my truck and it won't start - what do I do? After the sinking feeling that I'm about to be spending some money AND my plans just got rearranged subsides, my brain immediately goes into "diagnosis overdrive". Is the engine turning over? Is it completely dead? Is it attempting to start only to be choked? Then, I start analyzing what is happening on a mechanical level from the turn of the key, all the way to the point of the problem. Then I can start troubleshooting. With the exception of major (transmission or timing chain) problems, I've always done most of my own mechanical work on vehicles for several reasons. One, I'm frugal. Two, why pay upwards of 100% more, when I have the mechanical know-how to fix the problem? Third, it's enjoyable to work with my hands occasionally - it's somewhat of a tradition in my family. Also, I'm frugal. When friends have car problems, I usually shake my head when they neglect to ask for my help, and choose to pay a LOT more to put it in the shop - "convenience" sure is expensive!

• At a recent family cookout, a family member told me that they were planning to erect a gazebo that had been given to them. The only problem was that no instructions were included, and no one had any idea (included the people who had given it to them) how to put it up. I thought to myself, "I'm an engineer, I should be able to figure this out." After assessing the situation, I put together a plan of attack and dived in. At first, things weren't going well and I began to doubt that I could figure it out. Just before giving up, I realized that I was about to be beaten by a Wal-mart gazebo! It was at this point were I resolved to erect the thing even if it took the rest of the weekend. Of course, after giving it my complete focus, I had it erected in just a few minutes. A couple of weeks later, I drew up (from memory) a couple of diagrams by hand to serve as assembly instructions and emailed them to my family member. It feels good to be able to solve problems that others have been unable to solve.

• Sometimes I hear people explain why they cannot do something. "I can't go to college because...", "I can't make it to an event because...", "I can't apply for that job because...". Initially, I don't typically recognize these reasons as excuses meant to justify inaction or as cause to yield to personal fears. Generally, I begin analyzing the logistics involved to "help" the person realize that they can do the thing they believed impossible after all. After I navigate this initial "dense" phase, it dawns on me that unless the person specifically asked for my help in solving their problem, they probably just want someone to listen to them. I believe that I have a reputation for being a good listener, but this trait only beams through after I pull the reins in on my natural tendency to "help" people with their problems. Occasionally, I am asked for my advice in handling certain situations; these occasions are not taken lightly, as I'm touched that anyone cares about what I think about their own life and/or problems.

These are just a few representative examples of the application of my problem-solving skills to a variety of problems encountered in the course of living life.

Gifted characteristics

The list of thirty-seven questions I mentioned previously (answers forthcoming one-by-one after necessary introspection).

1. Are you a good problem solver?
2. Can you concentrate for long periods of time?
3. Are you a perfectionist?
4. Do you persevere with your interests?
5. Are you an avid reader?
6. Do you have a vivid imagination?
7. Do you enjoy doing jigsaw puzzles?
8. Do you often connect seemingly unrelated ideas?
9. Do you enjoy paradoxes?
10. Do you set high standards for yourself?
11. Do you have a good long-term memory?
12. Are you deeply compassionate?
13. Do you have persistent curiosity?
14. Do you have an excellent sense of humor?
15. Are you a keen observer?
16. Do you have a love of mathematics?
17. Do you need periods of contemplation?
18. Do you search for meaning in your life?
19. Are you aware of things that others are not?
20. Are you fascinated by words?
21. Are you highly sensitive?
22. Do you have strong moral convictions?
23. Do you often feel out-of-sync with others?
24. Are you perceptive or insightful?
25. Do you often question rules or authority?
26. Do you have organized collections?
27. Do you thrive on challenge?
28. Do you have extraordinary abilities and deficits?
29. Do you learn new things rapidly?
30. Do you feel overwhelmed by many interests/abilities?
31. Do you have a great deal of energy?
32. Do you often take a stand against injustice?
33. Do you feel driven by your creativity?
34. Do you love ideas and ardent discussion?
35. Were you advanced developmentally in childhood?
36. Do you have unusual ideas or perceptions?
37. Are you a complex person?

"If 75% of these characteristics fit you, you are probably a gifted adult."


The above list was taken from Gifted People and Their Problems by Francis Heylighen, which was adapted from the Institute for the Study of Advanced Development / Gifted Development Center.

First rays of light

A little bit different ...

Even as a child, I’ve always felt a little different from everyone else. From the first attempts at writing a book (which consisted of six small pages of scrawling text), to “fabricating” little musical harps with stiff cardboard frames and rubber band strings (the harps were then distributed to my friends who didn’t appreciate the thoughtfulness and time spent on them as much as I had hoped – much to my despair), to reading the stock quotes page of the newspaper (having no idea what any of it really meant, just that a price with '+' next to it was good, while a price with a '--' next to it was bad). Yeah, looking back on my childhood, I was not a “typical” kiddo.

 

Kiddo-me grew up very curious. I always asked myself questions like, “why do I think this?”, “Why is that person like that?”, “Why does this thing work the way it does?” Most of these little attempts at discovery were kept to myself because no one else seemed to ask these same questions – I already felt disjointed enough. Kiddo-me was also very emotionally sensitive. I deeply loved all of my friends and the adults in my life, but spent much of my life feeling that the love I had for others was never reciprocated fully. I was also overwhelmed with interests. From growing cactus, to playing the piano, to taking karate, to taking saxophone lessons, Kiddo-me always had too much to do and not enough time. At one point, I remember reading Ben Carson’s book Gifted Hands and deciding that I wanted to be a pediatric brain surgeon. With so much I wanted to do, it dawned on me that I would have more time for daydreaming and planning if I didn’t spend so much time on pesky school-work. 

 

Fast-forward to present day. In many ways, I’m still the same person – only now, everything is magnified. I want to be an engineer in various fields, a doctor, an architect, a musician, a dancer, a construction worker, a multilingual world traveler, a stock-broker, a teacher, a college professor, an airline pilot, … I could go on. Common sense tells me that not all of these goals will, or can, be realized in one lifetime. I still feel despair that others around me don’t feel the same curiosity about the world that I do. I still feel disconnected, lonely, and unloved.

"Maybe you're a little gifted..."

Recently, a dear friend mentioned that she thought I may be a little gifted. Initially, I wasn’t sure what this meant – I admit that I am a fairly talented person, but my mantra has been a quote from Albert Einstein, “I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious.” It seems that Einstein felt that he was more misunderstood than gifted – the same way I feel.  I’ve never felt any more gifted than anyone else, just that I was more willing to apply myself than most.

After having my insatiable curiosity piqued by the suggestion that perhaps I was a little gifted, I did what any normal person would do (I’m joking), I combed the internet to gain a complete and thorough understanding of what “gifted” meant. What are the characteristics? What are the strengths? What are the weaknesses? How do gifted adults function? The answers to these questions left me ecstatic, happy, depressed, hopeless, excited, and overwhelmed … 

 

After browsing several websites and reading a couple of scientific papers, I felt as if I were looking in a mirror. The image reflected back at me was that of my deepest self. A smile came across my face when I read about the cognitive traits of gifted people; tears came when I read about their emotional intensity; and my “Eureka” moment came when I read about their need to be continually engaged in meaningful activities. In one of the papers I read, there was a list of thirty-seven questions to ask one’s self. If 75% of the questions fit you, then the paper stated that you are probably a gifted adult. How many questions of the thirty-seven did I identify with? Thirty-six – and I didn’t understand the one I left unmarked.

Even now, I certainly don’t feel gifted and I’m very uncomfortable implying that I am. I do feel as if I understand myself much better now than I did. However, I am still filled with mixed emotions; I’m a little more proud of who I am, but I also feel devastated that I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life. Am I always going to feel disconnected from everyone? Am I always going to feel as if the friends/family that I love deeply only marginally care about me? Will I always feel as though I have to choose between smothering those I care about and keeping my emotions to myself? Will I always be easily bored with my career if I’m not doing “cutting-edge” stuff? Where's the value in being this way?

Now what?

My new mission in life is to leverage my newly acknowledged strengths into productive avenues. It is an addendum to my existing mission, which is to add value to the lives of people around me, to build meaningful relationships, and to make others smile, laugh, or feel good. As for the weaknesses, I don’t know whether to mitigate, suppress, or express them. This entire process of self-discovery has proven to be mentally and emotionally draining to me … and there are miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.