When reading about “giftedness” in
adults, it always invokes a twinge of pain when I read about their
tendency to feel out-of-sync and lonely. This is one of the biggest
reoccurring things that I struggle with. It was a rude awakening to
realize that when I heard beautiful music, saw beautiful art, read
beautiful words, or spoke beautiful words, and asked myself, “I
wonder if anyone else is feeling this way and being impacted the same
way I am.”, the answer is likely no. At least not to the same
extent that I am. This reminds me of a line from a movie that stuck
with me – I’m the dog that saw a rainbow. The other dogs don’t
believe me and honestly can’t, because they can’t see color.
It generates incredible loneliness to
think that others aren’t aware, or can’t be aware of the depth of
beauty that you can so easily see in things and experiences. You can
try to explain it, but maybe it’s like trying to describe color to
someone who’s never experienced color. This is one of the dilemmas
that causes me to ask whether “gifted” is the best word to
describe people like me. If I can inspire others to be more open and
observant to enjoy their experiences, then maybe it is a gift.
Otherwise, what’s the meaning of a greater depth of life without
people to share it with who “know” what you mean?
Another way in which loneliness affects
me is in interpersonal relationships. When I read about “gifted”
people being “too much” for others at times, I saw myself.
Fortunately, this “too much” stuff generally impacts only those
closest to me. If you don't know me very well, I'm not a very
affectionate person. I've noticed that I stiffen somewhat when
hugged, and I have to work to give compliments. It takes a long time
for me to bring people close to myself. Once I do feel comfortable
and close to someone, I'm a very affectionate person. I enjoy telling
people how much they mean to me, and even though I don't have a
reputation as a hugger (and I'd like to keep it that way), I find
myself constantly craving affection. It is a struggle to find balance
between sufficiently showing my affection and being “too much”
for others. This is another area where I have to wonder if “gifted”
is the best choice of words.
The last notable area of loneliness
that I wish to discuss has to do with the self-perception problem.
Another area where I've found myself identifying with gifted adults
is where they don't feel like they're gifted – I've seen it called
“imposter syndrome”. This is a constant struggle with me. I've
always noticed that I'm different than most, and for the most part,
I've wondered inside myself if I'm different for a purpose. At other
times, I think that maybe I'm just different because I'm weird. After
facing the reality that perhaps I'm gifted (see – I used the word
“perhaps”, providing for the possibility that I'm not gifted),
I've felt as if everything I read about the topic describes me
perfectly. But still, I'm terrified that I'll come across some
“gifted checklist” and realize that it doesn't describe me at
all. I'm terrified that I'll soon be found to be an imposter. I'm
terrified that I'll find out that I'm not different than anyone else,
I'm just strange. My IQ was measured to be 133 roughly seven years
ago; I'm terrified that I'll get retested and it will be much lower.
I'm now terrified of being described as normal, average, and mediocre
– an imposter.
I can relate to what you have stated here. I was sorry to see that you haven't written lately. I had forgotten being "gifted" in the mayhem of the past several years ... in being misdiagnosed and a host of other troublesome issues that took time and knowledge to resolve ... at least internally.
ReplyDeleteSort of "nice" on the one hand, to know a bit about what might be going on ... but even so, it's still a hard thing to pin down. Is it me, or is it you (or them). If "this" is not your (or their) experience (the depth, etc) ... WHAT is the other "experience" like?
I appreciate that other people "make me think"; gaining a better understanding or changing my own perception of ... well, so much, over time. I wanted to communicate in such a way that others would "think", too ... but that seems not to work out as well.
Your observations, on being an "imposter" and especially, "what is the point", if nothing and nobody is changed as a result of being "gifted" and communicating ... I "get" that. Makes it hard some days of the week. To be a real imposter, though, would mean "acting like" what I know is liked, popular and so on. And likely, being successful. But already been there and did that, slowly and gradually accommodating others' small and seemingly "reasonable" requests. But at the same time, though I didn't realize it, I was giving up me. It made me sick. First, physically, but later, all my joy and energy in life was gone.
Personally, my experience and newer found knowledge makes me think that you are wise to take time to "bring people close to" yourself. My healing came about by regaining my personal integrity, not through continuing the charade scripted for me over time. Despite not being "popular" or successful, though, I retain the ability to be happy ... and the newer recognition that there is an illusion of happiness that seems to suffice for many ... and that there are some who are not motivated at all by happiness or even satisfaction in life.
I suppose the best illustration, though is that my daughter was upset with me when I wouldn't tell her that "everything is going to be alright" in relation to something she was going through at the time. I told her I couldn't tell her that unless I knew with 95% or greater certainty it was likely true. Fortunately, we were able to discuss it. I told her that I more valued her being able to trust me than her being able to "feel better" for a time before reality trashed what I told her ... and this has worked out well in the long run ... if it was only easier to communicate this way (honestly) with others!